Abacus Man and the Black Destiny Abacus
by toinin' and boinin
Summary: based off of the guy in the restaurant scene with an abacus. Some mild language, but nothing worse than what you can hear on a school bus. Will get better later
1. the legend of Abacus Man

This is my first fanfiction, so it's probably going to be awful but hey I'm not the one reading this

Many people know the story of Jen Yu and the Green Destiny sword, however most people don't know the real story of the real hero, me.

Wait, no, nevermind I can't be there because I'm an American living in 2016 and this story takes place in 19th century China.

This is the story of the greatest warrior who ever lived, and the greatest weapon ever created, Abacus Man and his abacus

 _ **Abacus Man, and the Black Destiny Abacus**_

Abacas Man was the only name he ever knew, besides Abacus Boy when he was younger, but that is a different story. He was named this because of the abacus he had while growing up on the streets. He had taught himself how to use the abacus for adding and counted things fast for money. Now, he was about to go to the literal height of Math and Science, Wudan Mountain.

Abacus Man was about to start climbing the steps when he noticed something falling down them. "That blow to the head must have been harder than I thought," said Abacus Man, "I'm seeing things, wait no that's someone falling down the steps! Oh shi–" Abacus Man barely dodged the projectile of blood, muscle, organs, and bone fragments that used to be Jen Yu who had just plummeted to her death.

Abacus Man looked at the site in absolute horror. He thought 'That was once a person, a real living person with thoughts and feelings and–' "Oh look another one" said a passing monk. "What?" replied Abacus Man. The monk then replied "There's this old myth about that has something to do with flying if you jump off of Wudan Mountain or something, but, as you can see here, it's fake." Abacus Man replied, full of horror, "That's awful, but it's a rare occurrence right?" The Monk then said, "It happens more often than you think, see, look there's another one." The body of Lo then tumbled down a few feet farther. "Don't worry, you get used to it" said the monk as he began climbing the stairs.

Abacus Man waited at the bottom for much longer still processing that there were two corpses right in front of him. Then Jen stood up, or rather her soul did. Abacus Man screamed out of pure fear and wouldn't stop. Jen chose to ignore the familiar-looking screaming man with an abacus, and instead focus on the other corpse besides her own.

Jen Yu reflected upon the corpse that was once Lo, and mourned for what felt like hours, and eventually moved onto the acceptance stage of grief. As soon as she did, however, she realized the man with the abacus was still screaming. "Hey, you, guy, stop screaming." Jen Yu said. Abacus Man then immediately obliged. "Ok, based on the numerous stares and confused looks the many onlookers have given you and not me probably means that you are the only one who can see me," said Jen Yu while gesticulating, "so I'd like to make a formal introduction. Hello my name is Jen Yu, I come from a powerful family and am recently deceased." Abacus Man replied, "the only name I have ever known is Abacus Man and I come from the streets, but, if you don't mind me asking, what does 'gesticulating' mean?" "What do you mean?" said Yu. "It said a few lines ago that you were talking while 'gesticulating' and I don't know what that word means." Abacus Man replied. "Hey, what does that word mean," said Yu. It means to use your hands to convey your point better, it's a very useful word. "Thanks for clearing that up writer in that incredibly meta moment, but can you explain why only Abacus Man can see me?" It's about as realistic as the physics in the movie. "Ok but how about an actual explanation?" Jen Yu then decided to stop criticizing my fanfiction before I had her die in an incredibly awful way. Yu then said, "You know, that gesticulating joke isn't going to translate well for the one Chinese guy who actually reads this." Fuck off.

"Ok, I don't know what to think of that so I'm just going to continue my journey to the top of Wudan," said Abacus Man, "I'm just going to head up to the top of this mountain that has a ton of armed guards with the abacus a mysterious old monk gave to me in the bad part of town telling me to use it carefully before disappearing after a dragon flew overhead and whose dragon marking then began glowing immediately after." Jen Yu then asked "Have you heard rumors that the people up there are looking for a specific abacus?" "Well yes, who hasn't?" replied Abacus Man. "Well this is going to end well." said Jen Yu sarcastically.

So one Chinese guy, this is my first fanfiction. Yea, I know. I think I have some promise, but this kind of sucks. Please try to tell me how to improve.


	2. the plot begins

_**The Legend of Abacus Man**_

 _ **Chapter 2 The Beginning of the Plot**_

"Gesticulating, gessssticulating, gesTiculating, it sounds like a sexual thing right, like 'Oh yeah baby gesticulate all over me,'" said Yu. "Can you please stop talking about this," said Abacus Man while dodging another screaming jumper, "You have talked about the word gesticulate through the entire incredibly long climb up the mountain, please be quiet."

Abacus man had finally made it to wudan mountain. He had dreamed of this moment for years. This was the center of knowledge in this fictional version of China in 1779. As he entered the temple Abacus Man saw a whole assortment of philosophers and mathematicians. He had an overwhelming feeling of relief even though he had seen 18 people die on the way up here and was now stuck with one of them. This feeling of relief only lasted about 2 seconds before the inciting incident happened.

"Hey, that guy has that black destiny abacus we've been looking for." said a nameless character who will have no more relevance to the story. "Wow, how unpredictable," said Yu sarcastically, "I never would have guessed that the main protagonist had the mystical abacus the people here were looking for." Abacus man then darted off and tried to out run the swarm of old, dying men chasing him, but they were catching up. One actually managed to grab Abacus man's clothing before dying of a heart attack. Yu then said, "Why are you running away, they're just old men and that abacus was able to take a hit from the green destiny sword and stay intact." "Hey wait a minute," said Abacus Man, "you're that bitch that nearly cut my thought open and knocked me unconscious." "Hey, I treated everyone else the same way so it's fine," Yu said. "No, it isn't, you're lucky I can still think. Brain damage can have serious repercussions even if it is not that bad." "Yea, yea keep whining." said Yu

Abacus Man ran and ran as hard as he could until he could run no more. The old philosophers easily trapped him against a six foot wall next to the edge of the temple after that quarter mile run and left him with only two choices, give them the abacus or jump off. "Okay, you win take it." said Abacus Man. WHAT? "I have no other choice but give them the Abacus or jump off to certain death." Abacus Man said. So jump off. "What? No I'll die." Abacus Man said. "You won't die," said Yu, "you're the main protagonist and we're two chapters in to this shitty fanfiction."

Abacus Man then valiantly jumped over the wall– "What? No." Yes. "No I'm not suicidal." said Abacus Man. Well fuck you this is my fanfiction and you have to. "You do realize that, you are the one stopping him from jumping off right?" Jen Yu said. What do you mean? "You're the one writing our dialogue, in fact we don't even exist. The closest thing to 'us' is characters representing sounds arranged in ways that represent objects, actions, or descriptions meant to be spoken language." said Jen Yu.

"I'm still not jumping off" said Abacus Man.

Jen Yu then said, "You could have him comically fall off the side of the cliff like most cowardly protagonists do when next to a cliff and an ." Ok sure, Abacus Man then comically accidentally stepped backwards and fell off the mountain despite the fact that there was a six foot wall behind him. "What? Noooooooooo." said Abacus Man as he fell. Oh, sure that worked. Well I guess I need to actually start listening to women. Eh? Get it? "Was that supposed to be funny?" said Yu, "Because it wasn't, it was horrible, like that 'be quiet or I'll kill you' joke. Wait, was that even a joke, or did you legitimately forget that I had died? Hello? Oh great this chapter's meta moment is over. This was even worse than the last one you bastard. Respond to me dammit! The writing is garbage!

Where are the other characters from the movie?

All of Abacus Man's dialogue is just 'what no.'

You changed my character too much!

The last fanfiction for _Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon_ was made in like 2004, why are you writing this in 2016?

Pointing out your problems doesn't fix them!"

"Damn, I thought that would trigger him like a feminist in Saudi Arabia."

"I wonder what that Abacus guy is doing."

…

Abacus man was falling from a great height off of Wudan Mountain. He fell and fell until he hit the ground. But since he landed on his abacus he was able to survive and then began riding down the mountain on his abacus like a snowboard. "Wow, that physics is bad even by _Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon_ standards." Yu said. Are you just going to point out problems in this story or shut up. "I'll be quiet." Yu said reluctantly. Yu then said, "So, why are you such a horrible fighter?" "What are you talking about, I'm a great fighter." replied Abacus Man. Yu then said, "Oh, yes the great Abacus Man who runs away from dying old men with no weapons." Abacus Man replied, "Oh well I think I did a pretty good job against the Mary Sue with some mystical ancient sword." "I'm not a Mary Sue." said Jen Yu. "Ok well you're better than prior established characters, your 'the chosen one,' you have–" Just then, the old men from earlier came down the mountain riding their abacuses in a similar fashion to what Abacus Man was doing.

"What the hell are you on, writer, whoever you are, please stop." said Jen Yu. I assure you I am not on any dregs watso ver. "I'm not talking about, whatever you're on, I'm talking about this fanfiction, please stop writing this, nothing makes sense, the writing is shit, and I'm pretty sure we jumped the shark before this even started. I mean there are 20ish other _Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon_ fanfictions. Why?" Because I can and I will. Also I just wanted to start with something that would be permanently lost to the test of time so I'm just going to skip to the end of the chapter.

Abacus Man, after mowing down many, many civilians crashed and fell off of his abacus with no serious injuries. "Alright," said the Philosophers "just hand over the–

"TAKEITJUSTPLEASEDONTHURTME" whined Abacus Man pitifully throwing his abacus at them. The Philosophers who often get cut off then replied again in creepy unison "Oh wow, that was really easy–" before then getting cut off again, literally. As a new mysterious woman came out and killed them all with a katana. Yu then said "Where did she come from? And–" "Oh, I can explain." said the passing monk from the previous chapter. "She is a descendent from an old Japanese soldier from an invasion and is currently being possessed by her ancestor. Ghosts can do that, also, when they fight together like that, they're called phantom warriors. Also I'm the guy who explains things whenever convenient. Bye!" said the monk.

"Yeah, he's creepy," said the mysterious woman, "and expect to see more of him."


End file.
